I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
