ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
