I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
