Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
