I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
