saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
