Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
this will be a night to untag.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
