Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
