I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
