I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
