I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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