Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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