don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
don't judge my taste in strippers
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
