How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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