you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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