Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
