Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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