Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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