I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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