We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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