We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
