Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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