Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
