Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
