I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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