Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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