turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
