My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
