She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
