So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Randomize
