Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
