I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
