Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
