it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Randomize
