he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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