dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize