so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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