By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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