I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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