Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
