Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
