if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
