I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
