i was rollin on her like bob the builder
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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