If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
