i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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