just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
