Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
