now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
