On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
In America we eat man semen.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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