I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
