I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
