chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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