On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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