Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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