I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
