saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
