I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
she told me i tasted like america
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
